Something Changed

Listening to Sara Groves is such a therapeutic experience. Her songs remind me of old journal entries and life lessons learned. Hearing her live in college was unforgettable. Not because she was showy and put on a performance but because she was the opposite she invited us to go deeper with her and think about life, people and what we are here for. Her songs had depth that made you mull and want to go off and journal till 2 am. She had a humble atmosphere to her which is refreshing. I would be a fan of anyone who writes like this.

Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in a shiny veneer * there are so many ways to hide * so many ways not to feel *  there are so many ways to deny what is real *  And I just showed up for my own life * And I am standing here taking it in  and it sure looks bright * I am going to live my life inspired * Going to find the holy in the common place * Open my windows and  feel all that’s honest  and real until I’m truly amazed * Oh the glory of God is a man fully alive*  [Just Showed up For My Own Life]

And in the song Add to the Beauty:

We come with beautiful secrets * We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls * We come to every new morning * With possibilities only we can hold * Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces * Calling out the best of who we are * This is grace the invitation to be beautiful *

And maybe my favorite Something Changed:

Something changed inside me broke wide open all spilled out * Till I had no doubt that something changed * Never would have believed it till I felt in in my own heart * In the deepest part healing came * And I cannot make it * And I cannot fake it *  And I can’t afford it *  But it’s mine *  Something so amazing for a heart so dark and dim * When the walls fall down and the light comes in * And I cannot make it * And I cannot fake it * But it’s mine *

The last song fits the description the works of healing and light giving God has done in my life. Jesus’ hands in progress slow and steady shining His light in and showing me Truth. Setting me free to be fully alive. Amazing process, a journey which continues to give joy in the midst of the difficulties of life.  The song coins a ”changing” which is so hard to describe with words. I think the song even shows that in it’s child like simplicity. We truly “cannot make it” ourselves…and it is a gift “it is mine” because of Jesus’ death. It wasn’t bought cheaply.

Anyways today I have been in a super reflective mood as you can see. Music tends to make me that way. I get in certain moods and listen to the same song over and over again. Albeit, I need to be in a cleaning mood. My poor poor kitchen sink.  This week has been good. We have laughed a lot. Especially when on our walk Monday night I was talking about my uterus’ fundus and explaining it to Andrew when he looked at me with horror and said your ”uterus’ fungus?” That was classic. If you don’t know what a fundus is you probably haven’t had children yet. Google it. Yesterday was good was in a creative cut my own hair and then cooking mood and made my fave stuffed peppers and lemon cheesecake. FYI:  blended low fat ricotta isn’t the best consistency to use instead of cottage cheese in cheesecake. It did have good flavor though–real tart. Mm lemons. The hair cutting went well. I enjoy doing whatever I want to with the scissors and know that if I don’t like it then all I have to do is cut it shorter. It’s as easy at that. Layers are tricky but I am gettng better at them every time I work on it. Thankfully long hair is forgiving. Right now it is just below my shoulders. I think I cut of about 4 inches. Then I headed off to pick up Andrew at his work and head to Topeka for our midwife appointment. Andrew was sure we would be late. I assured him they are always late by almost a half  hour. We weren’t disappointed. I never mind though. It usually means someone is giving birth or having important questions asked. The midwives always spend quality time with you even when you have a page of questions for them like I did yesterday. Going to Australia pregnant has my mommy gene coming out full steam. I had to ask about all these what ifs. Such as can I use Cipro ear drops if I get a recurrence of swimmers ear. I had 2 AWFUL bouts last year. Worst pain I have EVER experienced for about 5 consecutive days until I buckled down said the 50 natural cures I had been trying weren’t working and went into get antibiotics and Vicodin. Ooh the high powered pain meds that make you feel fuzzy, woozy and eventually throw up the only thing you have eaten all day– a glass of water. Fun fun fun. My ears have been itchy of lately which is always the harbinger of bad things. Something told me I didn’t want to be stuck in a tiny hotel in Australia surounded by brown snakes with a killer ear infection. Next I had to ask about the possibility of me getting a UTI. I haven’t had one since my honeymoon but I wasn’t going to take any chances since travel and pregnancy already put you at a risk. I take tons of precautions already like cranberries and others. She wrote me a just in case script of Cipro to fill and take with me so that I wouldn’t have to try to round up a doctor in Australia. That would be interesting. I certainly don’t expect to have a problem with these things but being so far away and pregnant made me extra cautious about it all. I really really don’t want to take Cipro while pregnant. Would go against every grain of instinct I have. But that said if it comes down to bout dying of pain with UTI like I felt on my honeymoon. Ooh that is a story in itself. It was New Years Day and I was in so much pain we drove around to as many grocery stores we could find to try to get cranberries or 100% cranberry juice. That stuff is hard to find–wow. Then we had to try to find a pharmacy and I had to call a male doctor back in our home-town at his home because it was a holiday and was an emergency [!] and explain my predicament and then give my cell phone to the male pharmacist to call in a Rx. Finally they called one in and then the drama began about explaining that I was just married my name changed but my insurance hadn’t changed. Oh the drama. I felt bad for Andrew. I felt miserable. Thankfully the Rx worked and I slowly recovered. Not fast enough though to do all the things Andrew had planned for our honeymoon. Like sight see the entire island of Sanibel and walk the entire beach. I was like where is the nearest restroom on this beach?!! practically every 10 minutes. So our married life started out on the happy grounds of learning to compromise and change expectations for each other. It hasn’t ended yet…Oh no with practically no memories of not being pregnant while married, well there were a few weeks but all I remember of those was cooking really good meals every night. That was the last of that once we began February with a little one in tow for the remaining 1st trimester months of marriage. I can assure you our learning to compromise and give in has only grown. I can only think that God knew what He was doing giving us this little Blessing so early on meant. More lessons early on about how to give to each other and understand each other. It has been good. Andrew has shown himself so unselfish although I can’t say the same for myself most the time.

The midwife appointment went well. I was as usual measuring a bit big. Not big enough to warrant twins or anything just enough to say baby is growing and right on track just like last visit. The midwives told us that being extra hungry at this stage was a very good sign and to be careful about low blood sugar. Have healthy snacks around and eat what you are craving because our bodies are smarter than what we give them credit for. In my case it is yogurt, fruit, dried red hot chili peppers, water, water, more ice water and a pot or two of rasberrry tea. I carry around two huge glasses of water with me when I go to sit down. If I don’t I end up thirsty in the middle of something. And of course I have to use the bathroom all the time. But I have to say it now that I am past the first trimester I am really enjoying being pregnant. The suspenseand expectation of wondering boy-girl and an endless amount of other wondering is thrilling. Just the prospect of holding life within me is awe inspiring. I know the pregnancy is the easy part of parenting but still it is preparing me for being a mom which is pretty cool. I hope God allows me to be pregnant many more times. I do hope I learn to cope better with the first trimester though. I think that the second makes up for it though. Although I have been sad that I haven’t made it to evening church because my hypoglycemic issues are much worse during pregnancy and Sundays afternoons and evenings are the worst. 

Oh and random observation crying at Wendys is awkward. Last night after the midwife appointment we headed of to get a low key quick dinner there and well for some reason the faucet turned on. Andrew gave me an oh no what do I do look and a semi-forced smile and said “you’re happy right.” I said “Yes.” And kinda hid the fact that I was crying about something sad but yes for the most part I am happy.I couldn’t let myself explain why I was crying or I would probably become a little more animated and that might just get the attention of all the others enjoying their chili and potato’s. Ooh what a scene. At least now people can see the baby belly and maybe draw some connections. 

Oh and late last night I felt the baby move from the outside. I quickly had Andrew put his hand on my belly to feel for a while but he wasn’t able to feel the baby kick again. Maybe tonight…